Rice Dating Simulator: Let’s Date Variations of Rice

Rice is such an interesting staple main that we don’t talk about enough. How many dishes are there in the world from numerous cultures that use rice or consume rice on a daily?

Did you know that there are thousands of rice varieties found across different regions? If you don’t believe us, Google it.

But today, we’re not going to bore you with listing out all the varieties. Instead, we’re playing a game of the Bachelorette but instead of tall, white men, the contestants are personified types of rice cultivars, and YOU, dear reader, are subjected to the role of the Bachelorette. Let’s see who you would choose at the end of the season, and which rice you would cultivate a healthy relationship with.

Our first handsome bachelor is Basmati rice. He’s really tall, but also quite slender in build, so not exactly a body-builder, more like he does pilates on the weekends because he doesn’t want to get “too bulky”. Basmati rice is known to have a lovely earthy, pandan-like aroma due to the aroma compound 2-acetyl-1-pyrroline, which means he probably prefers spicier, grassier, greener colognes. 

Before cooking, it’s recommended to soak Basmati rice in water for at least thirty minutes for better texture and faster cooking times. Which means you’ll probably be stuck in a ‘situationship’ with this one for much longer. You’ll have a drawer full of your stuff at his apartment, and he has a toothbrush and some hoodies at your place, but when asked what you guys are, he answers that you’re just ‘hanging out exclusively’. He’s hard to lock down, but once you guys have established the relationship AKA its done cooking, he’s the type of rice that’s soft and fluffy, and the grains don’t stick together, due to the high amylose content, so he likes to keep your lives separate still, and doesn’t expect to spend 24/7/365 with you. You should probably have different hobbies.

He’s slightly chewy and drier than most once cooked, so don’t expect him to be the best conversationalist, and his jokes are pretty dry. However, on the bright side, Basmati rice is relatively nutritious and low-to-medium glycemic, especially if it’s whole grain, so he’s good for most situations and a pretty safe bet to spend your life with, but maybe not the most exciting.

Next, Jasmine rice is the fraternal twin brother to Basmati, but just because they’re twins does NOT mean they’re the same, despite sharing some similar traits. Jasmine rice is long-grained, so he’s tall, just not as tall as his brother (yikes). Jasmine is well known for the fragrant, pandan and floral aroma; he’s the type of guy that walks past you and you can immediately smell his perfume. Is that Daisy Wild by Marc Jacobs?

Jasmine rice has a good balance between amylose and amylopectin, so once cooked, he’s a little clingier and stickier but still gives you space if you need it. In comparison to Basmati, it’s a slightly moist and softer rice after cooking, so he would be pretty easy to talk to and less uptight as Basmati. Jasmine rice is also grown in more humid climates like Thailand, which means he definitely can’t sleep in a cold room and will absolutely hog the blankets. 

African rice, or if we’re using full government names, Oryza Glaberrima, is a rice that is extremely hard to come by. This rice has a very long history and has also been used in more traditional and spiritual practices and ceremonies. This is a very cultured bachelor who probably likes museum dates and has a good relationship with his mom.

The native Glaberrima strain of African rice is an extremely hardy rice that grows in either wetland or dryland and it can withstand heat, drought, weed competition, salt in the soil, and iron toxicity among other things, and requires very little support like fertilisers or pesticides to grow. Which means that he is confident, strong, emotionally available, and securely attached. Not much can shake or affect him, which is pretty ideal in a long-term relationship.

This rice has a long history of commercialisation, and was eventually replaced by other cultivars like Asian rice because it produces a very low yield when harvesting, so it is quite difficult to acquire commercially in stores or supermarkets. Likewise, the love of your life probably isn’t on Tinder or Hinge. 

It is also very high in nutritional value and low in carbohydrates, alongside other nutritional benefits. He is a healthy, clean-eating man that would probably change your life for the better. Due to the health benefits of this rice and how easy it is to grow, rice cultivators worldwide are genetically testing it, and coming up with ways to make this strain more easily accessible with a higher yield, as it is more sustainable and healthier  to consume in the long run. So who knows, the African rice might actually be your future bae.

The Japonica subspecies of Asian rice is one of the two most popular Asian varieties of rice that is being commercially grown, so it is VERY accessible. The grains are short and round, so you can assume this rice uses insoles when he goes out. But he’s charming and open to dating, and once you guys lock in together and the rice is all cooked, due to the high amylopectin (and lower amylose content) he is sticky and clingy to literally anything that he touches… it’s giving anxious attachment just a tad bit?

Japonica rice is not easily shattered when washing or stirring, so he won’t be too broken up over things said during your couple spats. This strain of rice is easily grown and cultivated, with a high yield during harvests, it’s also gluten-free, has a quick cooking time, and high digestibility. Relatively inoffensive choice, you can bring him home to your parents or for the holidays, but he doesn’t really stand out, except maybe for the fact that he loves hugging everyone and won’t stop holding your hand even at the dinner table. With the quick cooking time and the willingness to please, don’t let this rice love-bomb you…unless you’re into that?

Broken rice isn’t exactly a subspecies, it’s more like a ‘type’ of rice, because broken rice can actually come from any variation of rice, all coming from the grains that shattered during the threshing, cleaning, or milling process. This rice is just someone that had a bit of a rough time growing up, and didn’t exactly come out the other side whole (grain). The broken grains are often sorted and used to make rice flour, cereals, baby food, or animal feed, so it is perfectly safe and healthy to consume if you choose to buy it; if anything, it’s significantly cheaper too! Often, these shattered grains are used in the process of making alcohol. 

This rice is a fun, easily digestible (quite literally) guy; think cheap dates at a small bar, and a guy with different personalities depending on the day, kind of like Steve Brady from Sex and the City. He might look a tad bit shabby on the outside, but he gets the job done, right?

Did the writer get a little too personal with some of these? Probably, because dating in this day and age is cosmic horror-level horrifying, and we think picking which type of rice to have for the week is much easier. Who would be your bachelorice of choice?